The Play's the Thing
by Westing1992
Summary: Steven, Jamie, and a handful of others rehearse a Shakespearean romance. But can they all distinguish between the play and reality, or will their roles complicate things?
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Note: This is a follow-up to my fanfic 'Dinner for Too Many'. Although this story can stand on its own, it is still recommended that you read that one first._

 _I do not own Steven Universe._

* * *

"Is it just you two?" Jamie asked.

Steven and Sour Cream looked around, and silently nodded. They were on the Beach City stage for the auditions for the inaugural show of the new community theater program. In fact, those three were the only people on the stage.

Jamie considered the situation. "This may be a bit difficult," he said. His musing was interrupted, however, by two more people rushing up the stage.

"Sorry we're late," said Sadie. "It just took a lot of convincing to get Lars to come along."

"It's just not the kind of thing I'd normally do," Lars said, somewhat apologetically. He perked up when he saw Sour Cream. "Hey! You're doing this too?"

"Yeah," said Sour Cream. "It's not DJing, but I figure it'll at least get me some exposure."

"Well, five's a more workable number, at least," said Jamie. "I'd prefer it better if Mr. Smiley or Ronaldo or someone else with a bit more show-biz experience showed up, but I guess it's for the best; after all, if the entire town was in the play, there would be no one in the audience. Anyway, I would like to welcome you all to Beach City's new theater program! Now, what better way to start off than by performing a play from the greatest of playwrights, William Shakespeare? And what better than his more popular play, _Romeo and Isabelle_?"

"Oh yeah, I've heard Connie talk about that," said Steven. "She would have loved to be in it. Too bad the practices conflict with her schedule."

Jamie passed out the scripts. "Let's decide on everyone's roles," he said.

"So are you going to Romeo, Jamie?" Steven asked.

"Well, that may be the main role, but it's not the _best_ one. That would be Romeo's best friend, Tybalt. Plus, with so few actors, there will be people who will have to play more than one role—and though I don't want to cast aspersions on your abilities, I believe I am the strongest actor here, so I think it'd be best that I handle as wide a range as a I can. So Lars," he said, turning, "you think _you_ can handle Romeo instead?"

Lars gave a little chuckle. "You mean the guy whose name is synonymous with romance? Sure, I think I could give it a shot."

"Great! And Sadie, you can be Isabelle."

"What, me?" said Sadie. "Sorry, but I don't think I'm ready for a role that big. I was hoping to be like a spear carrier or something."

"I understand," said Jamie. "There are still plenty of parts with only a scene or two that you can have. The nurse. The apothecary. The fairy godmother."

"Wait, then who'll play Isabelle?" asked Lars. "I mean, Sadie's the only girl here."

"That's not a problem," said Jamie. "After all, this play was first performed by a troupe that was _entirely_ male! Sour Cream, do you want to be Isabelle?"

Sour Cream shrugged. "Sure," he said.

"Okay, so he'll be Isabelle, Lars will be Romeo, and Steven, Sadie, and I will divide the other parts between ourselves."

"Er, Jamie," said Lars concernedly, "don't you think that casting lineup could be a bit… awkward?"

"Maybe," said Jamie, "but we have to work with what we've got. I may have to truncate the play a bit, perhaps consolidate a few of the minor roles, but as long as there aren't more than three onstage at the same time, and their costumes are able to be changed quickly, we should be fine."

He skimmed over his own copy of the script, noting which secondary characters shared the stage and crossing out the ones that could be eliminated altogether, then assigned them among Sadie, Steven and himself.

"Now then," he said, "I hate to cut our first meeting so short, especially since we have only two weeks to rehearse, but I need to go home and check that the way I cast everybody is feasible. Start memorizing your lines, but be aware that they might not be final. We'll do a dry reading on Wednesday to see how everything goes."

* * *

"I'm back!" Steven announced as he entered the beach house.

"That took less time than I was expecting," said Pearl. "Did something happen? Did they cancel the play?"

"Nah, Jamie just needed to make sure it would work with just five actors."

"Only five?"

"Yeah, me, Jamie, Lars, Sadie, and Sour Cream. That means some people, like myself, have more than one part."

"So, what play ya doing?" Amethyst asked.

"We're doing _Romeo and Isabelle_ ," said Steven. "It's the story of two people who fall in love despite being from different, disapproving families!"

"I can relate," remarked Garnet.

"So," said Peridot, "this… _play_ … it's similar to your Earth television programs, except performed live?"

"Yeah," said Steven, showing off his script. "See? We all have certain lines we have to say, and certain things we have to do, and together they make a story!"

"Intriguing," said Perdiot, taking the script from Steven and thumbing through it.

Pearl started reading over Peridot's shoulder. "It appears that the text of this play is slightly antiquated. Are you certain you can handle it?"

Steven waved his hand dismissively. "Of course I can," he said. "And I'm sure the rest of the cast can handle it too. I don't think anything in this play will give us any real trouble." He frowned. "Hey, Peridot? Can I have my script back? I need to start memorizing my lines."

"Oh, right. Sorry."

* * *

On Wednesday, the five cast members sat around the stage, reading out the parts they were given, occasionally being given tips from Jamie on pronunciation and tone. And it seemed as if, even though three of them had multiple roles, Lars and Sour Cream still had the most lines, with Romeo and Isabelle dwarfing all the other characters in stage time.

Presently, Sour Cream was finishing up a soliloquy in which Isabelle pined for her Romeo. "Romeo, oh Romeo," he said, "why must you be such? Why must you be of the name Viraldi while I myself am called a Capulet; or why must I be a called Capulet while you are of the name Viraldi?"

This was the cue for Romeo's entrance. "A lovely flower in this garden blooms," Lars read. "Tis Isabelle, a rose without a thorn."

"Oh, Romeo!" said Sour Cream. "I thought I'd never see you e'er again! And then it says we kiss."

Lars blushed. "Right! Kiss. We kiss. Erm…" He turned to Jamie." We don't actually have to kiss, right?"

"No, that can wait until the dress rehearsal."

"I meant—er, nevermind." He looked at his script. "So we kiss, then I say: And how the nectar of your lips is sweet."

And it went on like that, with everybody reading their lines and making note of their entrances, exits, and other actions.

"Alright, everybody!" Jamie said. "The way I've set it up seems workable; keep memorizing your lines, and on Friday, we'll practice any scenes you may find difficult."

"Hey, Steven," said Sadie, stopping him before he could get too far. "Do you want to help me practice our scene in act four together? I think that's going to give me some problems."

"Sure! Unless the Gems need me for a mission, you can count on me!"

"Well, if they _do_ need you, I can always get my mom, or Lars, to read your lines…"

"Hey, Sadie," said Lars, coming up to them.

"Oh, hey Lars," said Steven. "You want to practice with us?"

"What? No," said Lars. "I can practice with Sadie any time, since we're, you know, coworkers _and_ dating. Speaking of which… um… Sadie? You're not… _jealous_ of me and Sour Cream, are you?"

"Why would I be jealous?" asked Sadie. "I mean, it's just a play."

"Of course _I_ know that," said Lars, "but I was wondering if _you_ know that. I mean, Sour Cream is my love interest. In the play, I mean. I mean, he's a guy, you know that, _I_ know that, but he's portraying a girl… whom I'm in love with… and I wanted to know if you were okay with that."

"Of course I'm okay with that! I can tell the difference between fiction and reality!"

"Well, yeah, I know," said Lars, "I just wanted to make sure you weren't jealous that we, you know, kiss and stuff."

"Do you _want_ me to be jealous?" Sadie said. " _Should_ I be jealous?"

"Of course not!" Lars sputtered. "Why should you be jealous? I mean, it's just a play! It doesn't actually mean anything!

Sadie frowned. She turned to Steven. "Steven? I think Lars and I need to talk privately."

"No we don't!" said Lars. "Why would we? I mean, there's nothing I have to say about this that I don't want to share with Steven. Steven can stay." He gave a nervous chuckle.

"Huh," said Steven. "That's not like you. Usually you'd jump at the chance to get me to go away."

"That's not true," Lars protested. "I can tolerate Steven in small doses. In fact, I'd rather kiss Steven than Sour Cream."

Sadie raised an eyebrow.

"Er, that's not what I meant," Lars said. "Obviously, I'd _really_ rather kiss Sour Cream… uh, no! I mean, um…" His mouth tried to find the right words, but none came out. So instead, he got angry. "Why couldn't you have just been Isabelle?" he yelled at Sadie before he stomped off.

"Oh, Lars…" Sadie murmured sadly.

Steven held her hand comfortingly. "Lars may be acting really weird right now," he said, "but it's still clear that he likes you a lot."

"I know," said Sadie with a sigh. "I just hope _he_ knows it."


	2. Chapter 2

By Monday, the cast had managed to procure all the costumes they needed, and they all had their lines fairly down pat, so they were able to hold a dress rehearsal. The costumes for Steven and Sadie were mostly simple robes that could be slipped over their regular clothes, allowing them to change between scenes with more ease, but those of the two titular roles were more involved.

Steven and Sadie watched as Lars came out, dressed in Renaissance regalia. "I look ridiculous, don't I?" he groused.

"I think you look quite handsome," said Sadie.

"Oh? Thanks!" said Lars gratefully.

"I agree; you _are_ quite handsome!" said Steven.

"Er, thanks," said Lars less gratefully.

From the other side of the stage emerged Sour Cream in full Isabelle costume. In his dress and wig, he made quite the attractive woman.

Lars gulped.

"So," said Sour Cream, "how do I look?"

"Great!" said Steven.

"It actually kind of suits you," Sadie remarked.

"It's not _that_ good," said Lars. "I mean, it's not like, you know, anyone would look at you and, you know, _you know_."

"Erm, I don't know," said Sour Cream. "What am I supposed to know?"

"Alright, everybody!" Jamie shouted, meaning that Lars had an excuse not to clarify. "Are all the costumes ready?"

The actors nodded.

"Great!" Jamie said. "Now, you've all memorized your parts, so we'll try running the entire play through. That means every line, every action, everything, needs to be done the way it will be during the actual performance."

"Er, by everything," said Lars, "do you really mean everything? There can't be certain parts that, you know, can be left out?"

Jamie thought for a moment. "You're right, Lars. We're _not_ going to do everything."

Lars gave a sigh of relief.

"Performing a play all the way through without an audience is bad luck! Now, I'm not superstitious, but it's a theater tradition, so it'd make sense that we observe it. Good idea, Lars!"

It was clear that Lars didn't agree with the director's assessment, but the rehearsal started nonetheless. They got through the first few scenes without any significant problems; there was a flubbed line here, a missed cue there, but nothing too major. Here came the opening fight, the masquerade, Isabelle's soliloquy, and then:

"Romeo, oh Romeo," said Sour Cream. "Why must you be such? Why must you be of the name Viraldi while I myself am called a Capulet; or why must I be a called a Capulet while you are of the name Viraldi?"

Lars walked out on stage. "A lovely flower in this garden blooms," he recited nervously. "Tis Isabelle, a rose without a thorn."

"Oh, Romeo! I thought I'd never see you e'er again!" Sour Cream closed his eyes and leaned in to kiss his leading man.

"Gah!" Lars screamed, recoiling. "I'm… I'm sorry. I just can't do this." He ran off the stage and down along the beach. The other actors watched as he slumped down on the sand a few hundred feet away.

"Huh," said Sour Cream. "I guess he just _really_ didn't want to kiss me."

"Actually, I get the feeling that the problem is the complete opposite," said Sadie. "I should go talk to him."

"I'll go too," said Sour Cream. "I might be able to help."

They went to where Lars was, leaving Jamie and Steven by themselves.

"I hope they can help him," said Steven.

"Me too," said Jamie. "And not just because we can't find another Romeo on such short notice."

"Maybe you could rewrite that scene so that they don't have to kiss?"

Jamie shook his head. "The kiss isn't the problem. It's just a symptom of what's truly bothering Lars."

"So what's that?"

"I can't say for certain, but I think I can guess. He's feeling… scared, and confused. He's insecure about himself. And these things are making him question his relationship with Sadie."

"But he loves her!"

"Maybe; or maybe he just _wants_ to love her, because that's the option that's more comforting to him. You can't really choose who you fall in love with. I mean, look at Romeo and Isabelle. Their families hated each other… if they could choose to _not_ be in love, they would. But things like that happen all the time. Love can often be very inconvenient. You may fall in love with someone who's already taken, or fall in love with two people at once, or fall in love with someone who just simply doesn't love you back. That last one's what happened to me with Garnet."

"Right," said Steven. "That last one."

"Actually," said Jamie, "I guess it wasn't really love, per se. It was more… infatuation. Or attraction. And to be honest, I still find Garnet attractive. It would be easier if I didn't, but I do. And I know it would be easier for Lars if he could be attracted to Sadie and only Sadie… but attraction doesn't work like that. Believe me, I know."

Steven sighed. "Why must something that can make people so _happy_ also make them so _miserable_?"

"I don't know." He glanced up. "Look! They're coming back."

Lars walked up onto the stage with his arm around Sadie, his eyes wet from tears, but smiling. Sour Cream followed a few paces behind.

"Are you all right?" Steven asked.

"I am now," said Lars. "I'm sorry I interrupted the rehearsal. I was just worried that I was starting to be unable to tell myself apart from Romeo, or Sour Cream from Isabelle, or how Romeo felt about Isabelle from how I felt about... well, it was all sort of frightening to me. But Sadie and Sour Cream here…" He looked at his friends. "I still haven't quite figured out exactly how I feel, but I know that with their support, I'll be able to. So, let's finish that scene."

"You're not going to get cold feet again?" Jamie asked.

Lars shook his head. "Nope. I'm ready… to kiss."

* * *

The night of the play came, and there were fortunately many more people who were interested in watching it than acting in it. The audience included all the Crystal Gems, Connie, Sour Cream's family, Sadie's mother, the mayor and his son, the Pizzas, and many more. And so far, they all seemed to be enjoying it.

Sour Cream and Sadie were currently on stage together, right before the kissing scene that had given Lars so much apprehension. Sadie's part soon ended, and she exited to the wings to leave Isabelle to perform her soliloquy. There, waiting for his cue, was Lars.

"You sure you'll be able to do this?" Sadie asked.

"Of course! I've been able to do it in your practices, didn't I?"

"Well, yeah… but I thought you might feel differently in front of a crowd… I'm sure if you decided to just give Sour Cream a warm embrace, he'd understand…"

"Sadie," said Lars with a smirk. "You're not… jealous, are you? Well, if you are, it's your own fault for not accepting the role when you were offered it."

Sadie blushed and sputtered.

Lars laughed. "Relax, I'm just joking!" He put his hands on her shoulders. "I love you, Sadie, and no man, woman, or man playing a woman is going to come between us."

Sadie smiled.

Lars looked out on stage. "Well! There's my cue! Wish me luck!" He made his entrance. "A lovely flower in this garden blooms," he recited confidently. "Tis Isabelle, a rose without a thorn."

"Oh, Romeo! I thought I'd never see you e'er again!" said Sour Cream.

Their lips met in a chaste stage kiss to the audience's applause.

* * *

After the play finally ended and all the actors had done their curtain calls, they came down to mingle with the crowd.

"Good job, Steven!" yelled Amethyst.

"Yes," said Pearl, "despite the age of the text, you interpreted it quite admirably."

"So Peridot," said Steven, "what did _you_ think of our play?"

"Well, in comparison to the other Earth media I have witnessed, it was rather amateurish."

"Well, we _are_ amateurs."

"Though I must admit, the titular roles were well-cast," she said. "Though I still find the actions undertaken by the characters to be highly irrational and overly impulsive, I could sense strong undertones of the intense feelings that could almost justify such behaviors."

"You should compliment their actors, then," said Steven. "They're right over there." He pointed out where Lars and Sour Cream were; Sadie was with them.

"I shall," said Peridot, and she went up to the group. "You two portrayed the parts of Romeo and Isabelle quite admirably," she said. "It is clear that you brought your real-life romantic involvement with each other to your performances."

The two actors laughed. "Thanks," said Sour Cream, "but Lars and I aren't dating."

"Nope!" said Lars. "My one and only is with Sadie here." To emphasize this, he leaned down to kiss his girlfriend, who readily accepted.

"What?" said Peridot. "But the way you interacted with each other…"

"Yeah, they have great chemistry together, don't they?" said Sadie. "And who knows? Maybe if I wasn't around, they _would_ be dating."

Sour Cream laughed. "Ha, maybe."

Peridot clutched her head. "Wait… So they're not a couple… except they were portraying a couple… and portrayal of the couple suggested that they were _actually_ a couple… Gah! Every time I think I have Earth figured out, it gets even more confusing!"

Lars placed his hand on Peridot's shoulder. "Believe me, I know the feeling. But once you figure everything out—"

"Yeah, whatever," said Peridot, shrugging away from Lars's touch. "I'm heading back to the temple."

As she left, Jamie came up to his fellow actors. "This show went over great!" he said. "Maybe half a dozen people told me they'd like to be in the next one! You know, there were times when it looked like we might have to cancel, but we managed to pull it off."

"Well," said Steven, "you know what they say: 'All's well that ends well'."

Jamie grinned. "Nice Shakespeare reference, Steven."

"That was Shakespeare?"


End file.
